Are You Parenting Everyone?

Breaking up with the caretaker role so that you can have healthier relationships

A recent theme in my sessions has been about adults who get stuck in a caretaker role. In most cases, these now adults had to take on “parent” roles to some extent during childhood. Many people who want kids of their own are also afraid of repeating harmful cycles that they grew up with. To break the cycle, you can start by recognizing the ways that the caretaking role hasn’t been serving you, and make a choice to part ways with it.

The role of the parentified kid

Being “parentified” means being put into a “parent” role as a child. This can look many different ways, and the severity to which a child is parentified is on a spectrum. Some clues that you could have been a parentified kid include:

• You lived with adults who were unable to take care of themselves or regulate their own emotions

• Your caretakers turned to you for emotional/physical/financial support

• You were responsible for taking care of your siblings

• Adults spoke to you about grown up issues and expected you to deal with it in a grown up way

• You grew up feeling like your value was in your ability to take care of people, be the peacemaker, or keep everyone’s stress levels down

• You were rewarded for helping others, even at the expense of your own needs

• You were praised for never causing problems, or you were disproportionately punished or abused for times when you “rocked the boat”

Identifying with the caretaker role

Often, folks who were parentified during childhood end up internalizing and identifying with the caretaking role. This means that you find safety and self-worth from the identity of being a caretaker. Of course, being able to show up and care for others is a wonderful and necessary skill, but it is not an identity. When your identity gets entangled with your ability to caretake, it can have very limiting and even destructive impacts in your adult life. I invite you to consider these questions while examining your relationship with caretaking:

- Do you find comfort or pride in being needed by other adults?

- Do you use caretaking as a way to deflect from your own needs or avoid feeling vulnerable?

- Do you feel selfish for expressing your own feelings, wants, or needs?

- Do you believe that if you don’t take care of everyone/everything, then nobody will?

- Do you fall into relationships with people who struggle to care for themselves or others?

- Do you avoid conflict or saying “no” to others for fear of what could happen?

The cost of the caretaker identity

If you answered yes to any or most of these questions, I want you to know that you’re absolutely not alone. Taking on the caretaker identity has likely protected you in times when you needed it the most. But now, it’s limiting you from being your fullest, truest self. Today might be the day that you begin your healing journey of breaking up with the caretaker identity.

Identifying with the caretaker role can have many unwanted long-term impacts, such as:

• Experiencing low self-worth during times when you are needing help or support

• Going into a trauma response at the first sign of conflict or disagreement with others

• Intense discomfort with sharing your own wants or needs, even in intimate relationships

• Having a hard time relaxing, having fun, or being playful

• Not having people in your life who you can turn to for support

• Experiencing anxiety and depression

Breaking the cycle

The first step to healing from the caretaker role is acknowledging that it’s there - recognizing the ways in which you’ve formed an attachment to this identity, and how it’s protected you over the years.

If you were a parentified kid, then the caretaker role might have even saved your life, or the lives of people who you needed. Here’s a practice that you can try:

Imagine a time in your childhood when you had to act as an adult. How old are you? Where are you? What is happening around you, and how are you feeling inside? Get a clear picture of that child (little you) in your mind.

Next, invite little you to sit on your lap, or next to you. In your mind’s eye, tell them that you see them, that you are here to care for them, and that they’ve done such a good job. Tell them anything you think they might really need to hear. And let them know that they’re safe now, and they don’t have to keep taking care of anyone else.

Let them know that they can just be a kid.

Take some deep breathes. Notice what you feel in your body. Allow whatever feelings that are there to be there.

Put a loving hand over your heart or give yourself a little hug.

This practice can bring up a lot of emotions, and that’s okay. The road toward healing is lifelong, and always unfolding. Any step you take matters, and there’s no rush.

Comment below if you resonate with the parentified kid or the caretaker role. Support is here for you.