Releasing Control During the Fertility Journey

How to get through the highs and lows while trying to conceive

The fertility journey is a winding road full of “what if’s”, potential let-downs, and hopes and expectations. Add into the mix financial investments, appointments, tough conversations, body changes, medical and legal considerations, and you’re in a pressure cooker of overwhelm. Yet, this time is also a testament to your love and commitment to your future family - a declaration of your intention to create and nurture life - so why does it feel so hard?

Having a deep longing for a family with the big unknown of the future can make you want to try to control everything or anything you can. Yet, the attempts to control can can end up leading to burnout, exhaustion, conflict, anxiety, and depression.

Below is a guide to help you identify why you might be trying to control things during your fertility journey, what you’re attempting to control, and how you might be exerting that control. Then, I’ll offer some alternative solutions to managing the feelings of helplessness or overwhelm, so that you can navigate the highs and lows of this challenging yet significant chapter with more openness and ease.

Why do you seek control on the fertility journey?

• Stress. Deciding to start a family is a life-changing decision, and it comes with many different considerations, like financial security, where to live, childcare options, communication with your partner, and so on. Having all of this on your mind is a huge mental load, and can leave your thoughts spinning. Additionally, you might be investing a lot of time and money into the process. You’re managing so much while still trying to get to all your regular tasks and responsibilities, and you feel the need to keep it all together.

• Fear of pregnancy loss. Whether you’ve experienced pregnancy loss already, or are concerned with the possibility, this is a normal and natural fear when working so hard to have a baby. Pregnancy loss can bring up a spectrum of different emotions, from frustration with the “setback”, to grief and trauma, shame, and embarrassment. It makes sense that you want to do everything in your power to prevent this from happening…although in most cases, pregnancy loss is the result of conditions and factors that are not in your control.

  • *If you are struggling with a pregnancy loss, there is support available. Check out www.hannahholdingspace.com to contact me for therapy support. You can also contact the Postpartum Support International (PSI) helpline at 800-944-4773.

• Fear of fertility treatments not working. When you’ve invested so much time, money, and energy into fertility treatments like medication, IUI, and IVF, the stakes feel super high to make sure that what you’re doing is actually going to work.

• Vulnerability. Expressing your hope for something that is so deeply personal is so vulnerable. Even just acknowledging that desire to yourself can be incredibly tender, making you feel exposed and small in a big new world. When you’re vulnerable, you want to protect yourself. And control is a big way that people try to protect themselves from the fear of putting themselves out there.

• Fear of shame or embarrassment. Sharing with loved ones that you’re planning to start your family can bring on a lot of emotional weight - suddenly, you feel responsible for other people’s expectations of you and your family. Or you start to compare yourself to your friends who have gone through this or are going through it. You feel that eyes are on you, and there’s a pressure to stay cool, calm, and collected.

What might you be trying to have control over?

• People - Your partner, parents, friends, doctors…you need everyone to do their part and hold it together because you are already dealing with so much.

• Your Body - Your body has a huge job - to conceive and grow a baby - so you need to make sure that it’s in the best condition for getting the job done.

• Your own thoughts and emotions - Managing hope, expectations, and disappointments while just trying to get through everything you have on your plate can just feel like too much. Plus, you hear that stress can affect fertility outcomes. If you can get a handle on your thoughts and feelings, then you can make it through all of this and deal with your feelings later.

• Outcomes - You have a goal, and you intend on reaching it. You can’t let anything bad happen, and you will do whatever’s needed to create the beautiful family that you envision.

• Your environment - If you can just keep the house clean, or get rid of the chaos, or complete those projects that have been on the backburner, then you’ll finally feel calm and able to handle it all.

How might you exert control?

• Over intellectualizing - Rationalizing your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings so that you don’t have to actually feel them

• Toxic positivity - Denying difficult emotions out of an effort to stay positive and hopeful. You might fear that acknowledging the hard parts will somehow lead to unwanted outcomes.

• Hopelessness - Believing that “it’s just not going to happen for me” is a way to protect yourself from potential pain and disappointment. It’s your way of saying, I won’t be let down if I don’t have any hope.

• Over policing your body - Constantly checking hormone levels, taking pregnancy tests constantly, fixating on food and nutrition, over-exercising or not allowing yourself to exercise - these are all ways to try to control your body while you’re trying to conceive.

• Constantly calling or checking in with your doctor - Every question you have feels urgent, and every physical sensation triggers a flood of concerns.

• Not sharing your experience with anyone, or not listening to your own boundaries for space and time - Talking about your experiences can make them feel more real, and maybe you want to protect yourself from anyone’s judgment or projections. Conversely, you might be feeling like you “owe” it to loved ones to share all the details, because you want to make sure that you’re living up to their hopes and expectations.

• Google rabbit holes - Researching symptoms, causes, treatments, statistics, etc., gives you the feeling that you can anticipate, prevent, or prepare for whatever comes your way.

• Ruminating/spiraling - Letting your thoughts go to all the worst case scenarios, and fixating on them is a way to avoid the discomfort of staying present in the moment. If you notice that your worry is constant and you feel out of control of your thoughts, it’s recommended that you work with a therapist to care for anxiety symptoms.

Alternative solutions to riding the highs and lows

• Acknowledge both the challenges and joys of this journey. You are taking a brave, beautiful step, and that deserves to be celebrated and embraced. But the road to parenthood is challenging, and it forces you to work through so much. Being real with yourself and your support people allows you to hold space for the highs and lows.

• Connect with your values rather than fixating on the details of every tiny step. Reconnecting with your “why” - why you are showing up for each appointment, and why it is all so meaningful. Ask yourself, what will feel important about this time when I’m looking back on it ten years from now? This can help you make decisions that feel most aligned with your values.

• Find support and people you can be real with. It’s easy to judge yourself, but having a friend, therapist, or loved one who can listen without any judgment can help release feelings of shame and normalize your experience for you.

• Carve out intentional time for caring for yourself. Rather than getting stuck in the hustle of appointments, tasks, and to-do lists, purposefully make extra time for rest, playfulness, creativity - your body and spirit need more of these while working on overtime to adapt and adjust to this new phase of life.

• Practice self-soothing. Your nervous system will likely experience flare-ups, so you can try: laying down into a dark room; going outside into fresh air; wrapping yourself up in a blanket; drinking tea; taking small sips of water; cuddling with a partner or pet; pausing for deep breathes; listening to the sound of birds or the breeze.

  
  

And remember - you are a brave and powerful being, and you’re not alone.