Self-Trust: 5 Ways to Foster a More Secure Relationship to Your True Self

Believing in yourself rather than shrinking yourself

“How do I know if I’m right?” “What if I’m the one that’s wrong?” “What if I do something to mess it all up?”

I hear these comments all the time in sessions, with clients of all different backgrounds, identities, personality types, and mental health challenges. I, too, relate to these inner narratives of self-doubt and insecurity, because they are a part of our shared human experience. Which is to say that self-doubting thoughts do not make you less-than, and are not an accurate reflection of who you are; they simply make you human. Self-doubt and inner criticism are well conditioned in us, particularly in women, BIPOC, and trans and queer folks. And while these communities actually hold so much of the wisdom and resilience in the world, it takes practice to learn how to listen to and trust in your inner knowing. 

Self-trust may seem only like a personal aspiration, but it is also a counter cultural practice, and a tool for social change. Yet it begins from quietly inside, nurtured through daily promises to yourself. The dominant culture invests in your self-doubt, so that you can be more easily bought into the messages that benefit the systems of power that are in place. (i.e. If you question your ability to do your job, you will constantly seek approval from your company. If you wonder if your feelings are valid, you will not speak up against a wrongful action. If you doubt yourself as a parent, you will keep downloading apps that tell you everything you’re doing wrong.)

So when you choose to invest in your own inner wisdom, and to build a trusting relationship with self, you are divesting from the social norms that make you feel small and insecure. You are connecting with your own power, reducing needless feelings of fear and guilt, and freeing your spirit from that place of smallness. 

Driving home this idea of self-trust as both a mental health and political tool, social activist and political organizer Daniel Hunter lists Self-Trust as the first step to overcome the fear-mongering tactics of the current administration: https://wagingnonviolence.org/2024/11/10-things-to-do-if-trump-wins/

Here are five ways to start building trust with yourself:

1. Make small, easily attainable commitments to yourself, and follow through. This may sound like a cheap piece of advice about achieving goals and outcomes, but it is better applied as a trust-building exercise (think of summer camp trustfalls into the arms of your cabin mates, except it is you falling into the arms of your own actions). Trusting yourself means first proving that you are trustworthy, which requires a pattern of behaviors to back it up. Some examples of such commitments are: take a walk during lunch break; wake up ten minutes earlier than usual; make the phone call you’ve been putting off; eat a nourishing meal….whatever it is, make a commitment to honor your word, just as you would for a loved one. As you create a broader pattern of follow-through, your sense of confidence in yourself grows. And it is the overall pattern that matters–when things inevitably fall through the cracks, it will be the exception rather than the rule. 

2. Listen to your body. Your body is sending you signals all the time, telling you what is wearing you out or what is supporting you. Our culture of urgency wants you to believe that you have to ignore or dismiss your body’s signals in order to complete everything that needs to get done(!) in too little time(!). Listening to your body means pausing for long enough to actually check in with yourself: “How am I feeling right now?” “How much energy do I have?” “Am I hungry, in pain, or tired?” Questions like these cultivate a sense of curiosity around your body signals, allowing you to explore these signals as pieces of information. As you listen openly to your body, you inherently send yourself the message that your body is worth listening to, and that you are worth listening to. And when you take seriously your signals, then you build trust in the information that it holds. 

3. Take responsibility for your choices and behaviors. To be trustworthy is to be responsible for your choices. It is tempting to point to outside people and situations to account for your role in things. For example, you might find yourself repeating unhealthy relationship dynamics, thinking, “everyone always takes advantage of me.” Taking responsibility for your choices means understanding the ways in which you participate in the patterns that show up. You can start to examine these patterns by asking questions like, “what needs am I trying to get met by being in relationship with people who tend to (X)?” And you can have ownership over the false stories that you repeat to yourself (i.e. “I feel taken advantage of when my expectations are not met, but that does not mean that others are always taking advantage of me.”) The more accountability you take for your actions, thoughts, and feelings, the more you will be empowered to make decisions the best decisions for yourself. You will be attuned to your own tendencies and reactions, building trust in your judgment of different situations. 

4. Practice self-compassion. In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski’s book about women’s sexuality, self-compassion is described as a crucial part to healing from the stress-response cycle that occurs when you are beating yourself up. Rather than identifying with your negative self-talk, self-compassion allows you to kindly observe your inner turmoil from a nonjudgmental vantage point. This practice helps you to detach from harmful thoughts that keep you from believing in yourself, instead seeing those mean thoughts as just something that occurs when you’re going through a hard time. You’ll be less inclined to question your own judgment, which will fortify your ability to care for yourself through your greatest challenges–and what is more trustworthy than someone who loves and cares for you unconditionally through your darkest moments? Isn’t that something you seek out in lovers and friends? So why not be that person to your own self? 

Check out Kristen Neff’s website for more resources about understanding and practicing self-compassion: https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#the-elements-of-self-compassion

5. Connect with something bigger than yourself. As biologically social beings, nothing we do is in isolation, and everything we do is in relation to the world around us. What I’m trying to say is that self-trust cannot be created in a vacuum; it needs sources of co-creation. When you connect to something bigger, you begin to feel what it’s like to have trust and faith in something, and you learn how to internalize that feeling inward, locating your spark of inner wisdom. What you choose to connect with can be something spiritual, scientific, or quite simple. You might feel connected to the universe in a spiritual sense, or you might find connection to the incredible interconnectedness of nature, or to the certainty of the sun’s rise and fall each day. You might find it incredible that the brain makes chemicals that drive our attachment to one another for survival, or you might marvel at the beauty and power of Love. Lately, the morning light fluttering through my kitchen windows has been a source of peace to me, as it evokes the feeling of aliveness and groundedness in my being. Whatever it is you find that allows you to feel connected with something bigger than yourself, practice using this as a mirror to your own inner knowing. What would it feel like to embody that peaceful morning light?