What It Takes to Repair

Regulating Big Emotions During Conflict

You and your partner are on your way home from a party. Your partner seems irritated and you ask them, what’s up? Didn’t they enjoy the party? Their answer is short - yeah, it was nice. You are starting to feel uneasy - are they mad? They say they’re not mad really, but they just feel like you were judging them around your friends. Now you’re confused, but your blood is also boiling - are they seriously acting this way, making you feel bad, after you worked so hard all night to make sure they were comfortable? They say they didn’t like a comment you made, or a gesture. Now you’re asking more questions, and there are accusations flying. How could they see things so differently? You’re trying to explain your side just right, so that they can see it from your perspective. But the more you try to explain, the more they buckle down. It’s the same vicious cycle you’ve been in, and both of you are feeling more lonely and isolated the longer it lasts.

A fork in the road: conflict’s two paths

The cycle described above might sound familiar to you and your partner. Whether your arguments start about something that seems insignificant, or about something that holds a lot of weight, it’s the pattern of communication that determines the direction that the conflict will go. Can it take you to mutual understanding and a deeper sense of togetherness? Or will it fling you out to a stale-mate, each alone on your islands, full of resentment and hurt?

Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of all relationships. You are a messy, beautiful human, so you’re going to struggle to communicate sometimes, and you’ll end up hurting the feelings of the people you love without meaning to. Miscommunications, misunderstandings, and disagreements are “ruptures” in the relationship that offer opportunities for coming together with the shared intent to “repair”, heal, and grow.

• If you’re in a relationship where one or more of the partners are repeatedly belittling, disrespecting, or shaming another, this could be a sign of abuse. Or if you’re questioning if you’re in an abuse cycle, please find support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. You can also go to www.hannahholdingspace.com to request an appointment with me.

What it takes to repair

While you might feel eager to get to the solution part of the repair process (i.e. How do we “fix” the problem?), one of the central ingredients in repairing conflict is emotion regulation.

To me, emotion regulation means being able to experience big emotions without acting on them. In other words, you can allow yourself to experience your emotions, but they are not making your decisions for you. For example, if you get flooded with fear of abandonment during conflict, your instinct might be to seek reassurance through over-explaining yourself or initiating physical affection before either of you have had a chance to calm down. Using emotion regulation, you can acknowledge the feeling (“I’m really scared right now”) and choose a behavior that will better serve you and the relationship (“I need a moment to just breathe before I can really hear you”).

If this is sounding really hard, it’s because it is hard, especially when you haven’t had much practice. Conflict with a partner, or any loved one, can trigger your fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses because your brain is wired to seek safety in attachment, belonging, and autonomy. So when you perceive a threat of rejection or abandonment, your survival brain starts to ring the alarm, and you might feel an urgent need to get back to safety (e.g. acceptance, belonging, or autonomy) quickly.

Applying the skills

Below are a few pointers for practicing emotion regulation during a conflict:

1. Notice your signals: You likely have mental, emotional, and physical responses during conflict that you can start to track and pay attention to. For example, if you’re like me, when triggered, your mind will start to repeat old stories like, “They only love me if I’m perfect.” Then, with a sinking feeling in your stomach, you might start to feel pangs of loneliness and despair. When you notice where your mind wanders in these moments, along with your physical and emotional states, you can use these signs to remember to pause for self-soothing before engaging in the repair process.

2. Say it out loud: Naming your emotional state to your partner can help pump the breaks in the miscommunication spiral, and give you both a chance to pause. I have found that having shared catchphrases can be helpful in moments when finding the right words feels almost impossible. For example, I worked with someone who said it felt like their brain was on fire in the heat of the conflict. Their freeze response made them shut down, which their partner experienced as being “iced out”. So they started to say “brain on fire” at the times they were experiencing this, which let their partner in on their inner experience while signaling for a break in the conversation.

3. Make space for the big feelings: Conflict brings up big feelings that make you want to escape from the discomfort. But when you acknowledge the feelings without trying to fix them, it can instantaneously put you and your partner at ease. Try this: when you notice your distress signals, ask your partner if you can both name your feelings using short and direct “I” statements - example: “I feel frustrated”; “I feel upset”. Then, repeat each other’s statements back to one another - example: “I hear that you feel upset”; “I hear that you feel frustrated”. Then take a moment to breathe and just be present with those feelings - it’s okay for the feelings to be there.

4. Take it back to the basics: When it comes to soothing your mind, body, and emotions, simplicity is a friend. Taking deep breathes, drinking water, and moving your body are all ways to send signals to your nervous system that it is safe to stay present. Pausing during a heated conversation to do these three things allows you to slow down, and can help prevent you from saying or doing something that you don’t really mean.

Finding your way to repair

When you’re in too much distress, you’re unable to be present for repair. Your survival brain tells you that you need to get to safety, now. Learning how to navigate conflict with a loved one means learning how to soothe and nurture your survival brain, so that you are able to embrace the uncomfortable, messy feelings that come with being in relationship with others.

Repair is an ongoing process, one stitch at a time. It doesn’t have to be rushed. Showing up for your relationship means being willing to stumble your way through conflict. It may be awkward, but in this case, awkward is better than lonely.

See if you can start to identify and name your distress signals this week, and be extra kind to your heart as it opens up to the discomfort of conflict. You are so worthy of loving, expansive relationships.